sábado, 7 de julho de 2012

Keep on smiling, keep on trying

I try to look happy. Go shopping, visiting places like a curious tourist, laugh, smile, tell jokes.. all those normal stuff. But, at night, i get lost in my thoughts.. i see i'm damaged. Broken. And nobody knows it. I'm never gonna be happy, and no one will ever know why. I'm never gonna tell either. No one should ever know what i've been through.

I look myself in the mirror and i wonder how anyone could ever like me. I'm hideous. Ugly. I'm short, have marks all over my face, hairy, fat, a monster. Everywhere i go, people stare at me. I convince myself thats all in my mind, but i'm not the only one who notices it.

I try to buy new clothes. It feels good, like a new skin. For a moment, i'm thrilled with confidence. But it's temporary. I get home, look at myself and there it is.. still the same. Never gonna change. How can i be so ugly?

Look to R., he's right next to me. I once loved this man. But he destroyed it. I still have feelings for him, but they're different. I don't care how i cared before. I don't love him how i used to. I know it's not with him i want to be for the rest of my life. But he loves me. Something rare, something i know it's never going to happen again. Might as well keep it.

There's no hope for me. No one's ever gonna love me. I think to myself "Fiona loves Shrek, right? Someone will love me eventually.." but i'm fooling myself. I'm hideous. Spent all my life listening to others telling me how ugly, how stupid i am. They were right. All that's left for me is to keep the life i have now, even if it's not making me happy. At least, by faking my happiness, i'm making people around me happy. My family, R., his family.. if they think i'm happy, they don't see the pain inside me. I just don't want my mother, my sister, knows how damaged i am.

So i keep on smiling. Keep on faking it. Eventually, i will convince myself i'm happy and that becomes true. I hope..

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